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Wednesday, June 4, 2025

The Last Lonely Loung Comic: Review Reviews...

 


Picture a run down lounge with wall to wall pink carpeting. An imitation silk curtain hung above a fake mahogany floored stage and you've got the Last Lonely Lounge. Empty two seat tables line the theatre, where in the back there might be a single couple in the audience, though they're not listening.


This section of Shhhh! Digital Media is a unique escape. For it is the home of the Last Lonely Comic. 


In a leisure suit that went out of style in the eighties, he approaches and speaks into the microphone:


Warning: This content is intended for a mature audience, there being occasional references to sex, tobacco products and narcotics. Reader discretion is advised. 



Review Reviews


<the sound of ringing feedback as a man steps forward from backstage to center stage in front of the microphone and stand>


<he adjusts the height of the stand and then retrieves the microphone from it>


"testing... 1 2 3... cash... cheque... cash... paypal..."


"Just testing. And yes, I do accept cash, cheques and paypal..." 


"you can send it to: give.me.all.your.money.or.I'll.release.those.photos.of.you.from.last.night@paypal.com"


<dead silence, with the exception of a short muffled cough from the kitchen>


"Yes. Those photos. The ones of you eating the last bowl of ice cream from the container in the freezer without sharing any of it with your wife... Enough to ruin any solid marriage..." 


"how are you all tonight?"


<dead silence>


"you know what they say... Silence is golden. I take gold too. Judging by the silence tonight, I'd say you're a rich audience. Maybe I'll got back to my first plan. With the paypal account..."


"I think I might know why its so quiet in here..."


"Its the reviews..."


<a short chuckle, but it turns out to be coming from outside the bar>


"Yes. That's right... I get reviewed all of the time..."


"For instance, the last review I saw on google reviews was like:"

"**1/2 Good flamenco guitar... the food was lousy..."


"It was on google maps. Miraculously, they got the right place. I mean, it was right there on the map. I mean how could you even get lost?"


<silence>


"Apparently, he did however, because A: I'm not Mexican. and B. I don't play guitar..."


"But at least it was a whole star and a half better than the previous review..."

"* Get a security guard for your own safety." 


"Or the one before that:"

"* Complete and utter shite!"


"Apparently shite is the Irish vernacular for poo. However, given the accuracy of that review, I'm inclined to think that the reviewer had the right place... despite the fact that I'm not Irish..."


"I had to use google translate to figure out what the heck shite was..." 


"So, I thought to myself, why not fight fire with fire? So I replied to his review, with a review of his review:"


"* Educational. Recommended for those studying Irish linguistics and expletives. Would read again."


"And I reviewed the Mexican's review:"

"*1/2 There's a reason you don't eat the worm at the bottom of the bottle."


"And the one about security:"

"* Bought Kevlar Vest, Helmet and Taser instead. Better price and getting more laughs from intimidated audience. Reviewer should be aware that there are many career options for fast food clerks."


"And so I ventured forth into the world, with a renewed sense of vigor and purpose. For I alone could correct every one of the wrongs that had been visited upon the courageous creatives out there, at the hands of heartless reviewing trolls. Those who'd trounced their dreams with the destructive force of few crushing words and a dire review..."



"A Song at Dead Man's Cove by Ana Yudin: * bad book and bad rating manipulation... review by LO22"


"And so I jumped into my costume and began my review review..."

"* I heard from a butterfly somewhere that the Green Goblin is asking for his costume back LO22, unless you're a close relative of his? Reviewing isn't for everyone. Stick to cosplay and leave the reviews to the professionals!"


"Somewhere out there, Iris Barry, Josephine O'Neill, Nancy Banks-Smith, Pauline Kael, Gene Siskel, Roger Ebert, Rex Reed, Gene Shalit and Brian Linehan were all secretly cheering for me..."


"Shortly after my review, I was contacted by Marvel's legal department for infringement of intellectual property simply for mentioning Green Goblin. Perhaps I should have used Cyan with a bit of Blue Cheese Goblin...? This illustrated the fact of why I needed a costume and a secret identity..." 


"Again, I found another scathing review, possibly crushing a blooming writer's career even before it had a chance to flourish..."

 "*1/2 The prose of this book leave far too much to be desired. Shallow characters and flimsy plot take this book astray..."


"And so my review review was sent forth..."

"* Its a frickin' children's colouring book for crying out loud. What are you expecting? Dostoyevsky?"


"Followed by this other troll's work:"

"* Just plain stinks!" 


"and so I reviewed his scathing review..."

"* Literacy is a challenge for more than half the people in this world, but its something that you can change by reading the frickin' title before you post a scathing review like that! Its a Limburger Cheese Cookbook, not a new scent by Givenchy!"


"And before I knew it, I'd risen to the top ranks of all superheroes in the world... Protecting all of those aspiring content creators the world over... But I needed a name, and that's when it came to me:"


"Re:View"


<dead silence>


"I know... it left a little to be desired... not to mention my costume was a little bland. A leisure suit, with a kevlar vest, helmet and a taser worn over top. It just didn't make sense, but what does in this often dark and dingey world? I was now walking the streets at night, a superhero of anecdotes. A warrior of words. A reviewer of reviews... I had become the Dark Plaid Writer known as Re:View..."


"I was on top of the world. Keeping an ever watchful eye from my seventh floor apartment from the balcony at night, I'd take the elevator down and purge the streets of trollish reviews..."


"Until one day... I realized that I'd been undone..."


"For I'd found a review that I couldn't undo... No matter how hard I tried..." 


"Review: Last Lonely Lounge Comic: *1/2 Contrived and pretentious garbage. I regret reading it, but not half as much as I regret having written it... Review by Brian Joseph Johns..."


The End


Credits and attribution:

Check out Ana Yudin's books...

Special Thanks To Rocket Fuel Lakeshore Blvd West, perhaps the best place in history to get a coffee, circa 2001-2004. Miss you all very much.

Artwork: Amy Wong, Wendy Pusey, Ghastly, Birdman, Brian Joseph Johns, Daz3D, Unreal Engine...

Tools: Daz3D, Corel Painter, Adobe Photoshop, Lightwave 3D, Blender, Stable Diffusion (Easy Diffusion distribution), InstantID, Sadtalker, Google Colaboratory, Microsoft Copilot (Windows 11), Hitfilm, PhotoPea (a great web based Photoshop stand-in if you're on a low budget or in a pinch), Borderline Obsession...

DeepSeek AI for suggestions on exercises to improve aspects of describing scene and settings with a more sensory focused grammar.

InstantID by: Wang, Qixun and Bai, Xu and Wang, Haofan and Qin, Zekui and Chen, Anthony. Research Paper Title: InstantID - Zero-shot Identity-Preserving Generation in Seconds.

Sadtalker by: Zhang, Wenxuan and Cun, Xiaodong and Wang, Xuan and Zhang, Yong and Shen, Xi and Guo, Yu and Shan, Ying and Wang, Fei.
Research Paper Title: SadTalker: Learning Realistic 3D Motion Coefficients for Stylized Audio-Driven Single Image Talking Face Animation.

Gratitude: Our Mentors, Senseis, Sifus, Sebomnims, lifetime inspirations, family, friends, the Nomads (ask Stanton about that one), the Music, the Movies, the Theatre, the Arts, ASMR, (both YouTube and Bilibili and the many other creators on those platforms), the Gaming and Developer communities and of course, the audience.

Martial Arts (in the words of real experts and at least one comedian): https://brucelee.com (home of the real Dragon and an entire family of inspirations), http://iwco.online International Wing Chun Organization (International presence of a very scalable intensity martial art, protected and developed by Shaolin Nun Ng Mui) and the alma mater of Jinn Hua's own specialized variation thereof, https://iogkf.com International Okinawan Goju-Ryu Karatedo Federation (even Hanshi had his teachers), https://itftkd.sport International Taekwondo Federation (Here there be Taegers), https://tangsoodoworld.com Tang Soo Do World (the path of Grandmaster Chuck Norris), https://www.aikido-international.org International Aikido Federation (how else would Navy Chef Steven Seagal liberate a Nimitz Class Aircraft Carrier from a team of hijackers?), https://www.stqitoronto.com Shaolin Temple Quanfa Institute (The City Of Toronto's own Shaolin Temple), https://www.enterthedojoshow.com Master Ken's Ameri-Te-Do presence (If we can't laugh at ourselves, then we can at least laugh the loudest at others, and other Zen)

Magic (performance, illusion and perhaps the real thing): Magic Week Archive (I'm currently growing this section so stay tuned)

Special thanks to Aitrepreneur, Mickmumpitz, Hugging Face and the YouTube educational content producers, including those catering to the AI content production pipeline and of course AlphaSignal.

Shi Heng Yi Shaolin Training For Self Mastery 
A reknowned Sifu under whose tutelage you can study the theory and practical applications of the Shaolin Arts for health, physical and mental wellbeing in every day life

Shi Heng Yi Shaolin Training For Self Mastery 
A reknowned Sifu under whose tutelage you can study the theory and practical applications of the Shaolin Arts for health, physical and mental wellbeing in every day life

Jesse Enkamp: Karate Nerd
Jesse, a reknowned Sensei who runs his own dojo, explores the world of Martial Arts, traveling to many exotic locations to meet practitioners of a variety of different arts

Sensei Rokas: Martial Arts Journey
A reknowned Sensei of Aikido who in seeking to understand the roots of Aikido and its applications, seeks to stress test its effectiveness in a number of real world situations while studying its history

Seamus O'Dowd
An extensive growing archive Katas, Techniques and Waza (mostly Shotokan)

Iaido: Train For Katana Mastery Like Samurai 
The original weapons focused curriculum under which Samurai became masters of their art

Tapp Brothers Exercise For Better Motion 
Extensive courses for calisthenics and body strength, stamina and flexibility

Special thanks to Canva for inspiring other creators and giving them the tools

Special thanks to Captain Crunch and his wonderful sister!

Special thanks to Bandcamp for giving indie music artists a home under one roof

Something to give you perspective: The very first teacher had no formal education, didn't graduate and was self taught, but only because they had no other choice. We do.

This content is entirely produced in Toronto, Ontario, Canada at 200 Sherbourne Street Suite 701 under the Shhhh! Digital Media banner.


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