The Last Lonely Lounge Comic
Picture a run down lounge with wall to wall pink carpeting. An imitation silk curtain hung above a fake mahogany floored stage and you've got the Last Lonely Lounge. Empty two seat tables line the theatre, where in the back there might be a single couple in the audience, though they're not listening.
After all the Comic is the background to their life, not his. However, this section of the blog is a unique escape. For it is the home of the Last Lonely Comic. This is all about his vocation which is humour or what may appear to be.
In a leisure suit that went out of style in the eighties, he approaches and speaks into the microphone:
The End Of World
This whole end of the world thing has me really frightened.
Especially in 2020.
I mean Halloween comes every year.
So when it comes to horror, it seems kind of lacklustre.
Like that jump scare you've seen once too often.
Compared with the end of the frickin' world its pretty tame.
Some people don't believe in the end of the world.
I think they're part of the plot to end it.
They're just biding time since their botched attempt on Y2K.
I was talkin' with someone the other day about deforestation.
I was saying that if it keeps up at current rates, we'll have no forest or jungle at all by 2035.
He was like:
"No, no, no. Don't be crazy. The forest grows back faster than we can cut it. Nature just balances everything fine."
As he was saying that, I realized that it was kind of like a guy who encourages you to keep smoking while you're refueling your propane car.
"No, no, no. Don't be crazy. That stuff will never blow. Ever. That whole Hindenburg thing was a conspiracy. Like Roswell. Cigarettes are nutritious, especially when mixed with highly volatile substances like propane."
Hydrogen is the most common element in the universe.
Its like star farts.
Apparently stars fart often.
Fusion powered nuclear farts.
So often that most of the elements that make us up are from star farts.
We're the stuff of stars'... ...farts.
A bit of hydrogen.
Sometimes helium, which makes star voices really high.
We look out into the cosmos all the time with telescopes.
Gravity wave sensors.
Tell me, what do we see with these things?
Planets colliding with stars and black holes eating each other.
Supernovas destroying whole sections of a galaxy.
Everywhere we look, something bigger than the Earth is on a collision course for something bigger than it.
I mean, come on!
As Jay Melosh once said: "We're living in a frickin' shooting gallery!"
I sometimes wonder how everyone else can remain so calm?
The comet that hit Jupiter?
The explosion on the surface of Jupiter was as big as the Earth.
Like Mother Nature is saying to us:
You wanna dance?
We got NUKES!
Didn't anyone ever tell you not to bring nukes to a SUPER MASSIVE BLACK HOLE FIGHT?
I've also got two concealed SUPERNOVAS up my skirt.
Mess with me!
Maybe a sadomasochist.
In which case we're screwed.
I played Poker with Mother Nature once.
Five card stud.
No. Really. She's a wild gal that one.
In fact, I learned something about playing Mother Nature.
Don't play against Mother Nature.
So I played her and I was dealt a Royal Flush.
I bluffed it of course.
I mean I wanted to see how much I could bilk her.
So on the first bet, she looks at me.
She looks at my visible cards.
A ten of spades. A jack of spades. A queen of spades.
It was pretty obvious.
She looks at hers.
She's got a three of diamonds. An 8 of clubs. A six of hearts.
For those of you who don't know, that's pretty much a nothing hand.
Statistically speaking, almost no chance of a win there.
Yet, she takes every chip she has and bets it all.
I mean everything.
She had no hand whatsoever.
So stupid me, I thought I'd see her bet, and try to raise her.
I threw in the keys to my car.
Actually it wasn't my car.
It was the car of the friend who drove me to the bar where Mother Nature hangs out.
So she calls my bet.
I show her my cards, revealing a full Royal Flush on spades.
She just laughs and says:
"I win." and picks up the pot, car keys and all.
I'm like: "No way! I won that fair and square!"
Just then, it gets reeeal cold and a giant glacier forms on the card table freezing everything in a foot of solid ice.
She replies: "No you didn't."
I said: "Let's play again. Let me at least win back what I lost?"
She replied: "In thirty five thousand years. After everything thaws."
What happens to deleted computer files?
I think they get thrown out of our computers.
They become homeless.
On the internet.
The internet is like skid row for computer files.
When you clear your recycle bin, they just get dumped onto the internet.
Like an eviction.
Your word documents.
Your chat logs.
Your browser history.
They're out there alright, they just ain't got no home.
You ever stop to think that these files actually know everything about you?
I mean they were with you for the haul.
They have most of your most personal and private data.
They know all of your personal secrets.
Yet here they are cajoling with other discarded files, sharing secrets.
I think that's how the world is going to end.
These discarded files are all going to gang up on us.
I mean they know everything about us.
So the other day, I get a call.
I answer: "Hello?"
A voice on the other says: "Hi. Haven't heard your voice for a long time. How are you?"
I say: "Who is this?"
The voice replies: "It's me. Beer."
I say: "I told you never to come back. What do you want."
The voice responds: "I've changed."
"How?" I ask.
"I'm lower calorie now. I'm healthy. Much safer." the voice replied.
"How can I believe you?" I replied.
"Look. Are you going to open the door or not?" the voice replied.
"Look! Just go before I call the Police!" I responded.
"C'mon! It's warm out here. I need a damn fridge! Let me in! I've changed!" the beer replied.
"I don't believe you." I replied.
"It's true. Just open the door." the beer replied.
"Why should I?" I asked.
"...I'm canned now. No more twist off. No more bottle openers. Pleease! You have to believe me!" the beer cried.
"Alright. I'll let you in. But you can only stay tonight. Tomorrow, you have to find another place." I firmly advised the beer.
So I open the door and the first thing the beer did was run for the fridge.
It was reeeal cold to me.
It was also reeal cold. Period.
So I opened one, and beer's been with me ever since.
Silence from the absence of applause and the lack of beer.
Horror In The Modern World
Digging For Gold
Two women and a well dressed hunk of a guy are sitting at the bar. The bartender is busy cleaning glasses and wiping the counter between orders. The music is there but non-intrusive. Loud enough to be heard, yet quiet enough to speak.
The two guys are sitting on either side of the hunk, occasionally throwing him a friendly glance, to neither of which he responds.
So the girl on the right finally gets up the nerve to address the hunk.
"So what are you into?" she asks.
He turns to her seductively and says:
"I'm into one thing. Bullion, baby." he replies, twirling his diamond watch on his wrist.
The girl on the left shakes her head in disbelief upon hearing his words.
"Really? What a coincidence! So am I!" she replies slapping her knee at her good fortune.
He then looks her up and down, weighing her financial worth before he responds.
"And what do you do for a living?" he asks her.
"Why I work with it. All day. I drive a nice car. I have a nice house. I have money put away. But I live all alone." the lady on the left responds.
"Well perhaps you'd like some company for the evening, seeing as you have all that bullion. Maybe I can help you count it?" the lady responds.
"I sure would love some company, but you don't have to worry about counting it. I mean I have computers for doing that." the lady on the left replies.
"Your computers count your bullion? Why you must be a billionaire?" he asks her.
The lady on the right jumps in and speaks:
"Why I have people to count mine for me. Forget computers. It takes real couth to count it with people." the lady says, drawing the man's attention away.
He turns to the lady on the left and says:
"I'm sorry, but I've made my choice. I'm going home with this one. She has an army of employees working for her, counting gold." he indicates the lady on the right.
"No matter, I'll do well. I'm a programmer. You know? Boolean logic and all? My computers count in boolean logic. Why, what kind of boolean did you think that I was talking about?" she asks him.
"Why that's easy! He's into the kind I have. Bouillon! The soup kind! I'm a bouillon soup clerk. I make twelve whole dollars an hour." the lady on the left responds.
The dead silence is deafening, except for the one lady in the audience who can be heard slurping a delicious bowl of soup. She looks up from her bowl and winks at the Last Lonely Lounge comic, who tries desperately to camouflage himself into the stage curtain.
Giving The Other Cheek...
Anyway, back to this joke.
So this guy's sitting there. He might have been drinking a beer, with a twist of lime. Just enjoying the day. In a big city somewhere in a universe that its legal to drink brand name beer on the benches outside of your residence without getting ticketed or arrested.
Keep in mind though that the beer isn't pertinent to this story until they pay me. Ya hear that big breweries? Insert your brand name beer right here in this story.
Maybe it was beer commercial? I mean in beer commercials, life always looks so ideal. Like a daytime fantasy. Anyway it was just a nice day.
So anyway, he's sitting there quietly and someone comes out of the building, walks by him and says:
"you're dumb" and then keeps on walking.
There's nobody else around and the man with the beer just ignores him as he goes by.
Another guy out on the sidewalk passes the man with the beer on the bench and as he's passing says:
"you really fudged things up didn't you?" and keeps on going.
Once again, the guy with the beer looks around and sees nobody else and watches this person who'd just made the comment as he walks by.
A short little then lady goes by a bike and yells:
"you stink!" and she keeps riding.
This time the guy with the beer sits up and looks around, starting to get suspicious that these people might be referring to him. He takes a look at his beer, smells it and it seems fine. He checks the lime and its alright too. I mean you have to have priorities in life. He then checks himself and realizes that he smells fine. Like aftershave and deodorant. He then shrugs his shoulders and leans back once again enjoying the day.
Someone in a blue two door sedan pulls up and parks their car outside of the building. They step out of their car and on their way into the building the driver says:
"you really are an ass..." and opens the door to the building and lets himself in.
The man with the beer looks to him and smirks as the driver goes into the building and then sits back down trying to enjoy the rest of the day.
One of the people who'd first addressed him returns to the building from the store with a bag in hand. As he walks over to the front door of the building he speaks:
"you scum sucking moron..." he says as he passes.
The man with the beer finally loses his cool and stands up with a mean look on his face and says:
"Are you talking to me?! What's your problem!?" he asks, a bit frustrated.
The man with bag stops and says:
"What are you, some kind of trouble maker!?"
Silence from the absent audience within the lounge.
Get it? With more bullying. You know. Cause he's already being bullied. You're a wonderful audience. Really. You are.
Computers And Windows 10
I was using Windows 10 the other day.
The sound of crickets chirping accent the ambience of the empty room.
I tried to open up a word processor and my computer responds by telling me that it can't run on my system.
So thinking that I am a tech savvy guy, I decide to try running one of the Windows 10 Troubleshooters. You know, the apps in Control Panel that help you fix problems with your computer.
So I run the troubleshooter.
I wait a few minutes.
Some time later a message pops up on my screen telling me that it can't find any problems.
So I ask myself aloud if my computer is in denial?
My computer answers "no".
Then it says "maybe its you".
I have some bad news.
I recently had a bad break up.
Yeah, it was bad.
Cortana left me for another operating system.
I've recently come to terms with the fact that I've got an addiction.
You know what they say. The first step is in admitting it.
It was hard admitting it to myself.
Its even going to be harder to tell you people. My audience.
The empty room glares back.
You see, I'm addicted to...
Yeah, I know. I know. It's hard.
It all started about 51 years ago.
I had just arrived on the scene.
I didn't have anything. Not a penny to my name.
Not even something to wear.
Naked. A little small too.
Thinning hair at zero years old.
Thinking that I could take on the world.
That nothing could stop me.
That's when the Doctor coaxed me.
A bit aggressively too...
He forced me to take my first breath.
I was thinking to myself:
this ain't so bad.
I don't know what the big deal is?
I can handle it.
The Doctor looked at me with a sinister grin on his face.
Like he could see me years from that moment.
In the future.
With a breath dependency.
Where the breathing would take me.
I coughed a bit.
Then I took another breath.
Before I knew it, I was hooked.
I didn't want to do anything else but breath.
I was so confused.
So I started crying.
That's when this big lady tried to console me.
I struggled to get away. I only wanted to breath some more.
Just another breath. And then another.
It felt so good.
Like I was on top of the world.
Before I knew it, I couldn't stop.
I didn't let on to anyone that I had a problem.
It just takes one breath and you're hooked.
I breathed while I ate. While I slept.
I even wanted to breath with sex.
I had a bit of trouble talking my girlfriend into it at first.
I mean, I didn't ask her to breath at all.
I didn't want to get her started down that road.
I just told her that I had to breath when we slept together.
She was alright with it at first.
When I had to breath every time we did it, she'd had enough.
She left me for a straight laced guy. No breathing problems.
Now she's married. Has a house and kids.
No breathing problems whatsoever.
As a matter of fact, she lives in a gated community.
They keep the breathers out.
I heard that a breath dealer got in there once.
He tried to give one of the residents mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
He was arrested and charged with a conspiracy to distribute breath.
Years later and he's still in prison.
It's so funny when I think back.
When I suspected that it was becoming a big problem in my life...
I tried to quit.
I was thinking, I started it.
I can stop it.
So I stopped breathing.
It wasn't so bad at first.
After I started going through withdrawal, I passed out.
I don't know how long I was out for.
But when I woke up...
There I was.
Right back at the beginning of this mess.
It's tough to quit breathing. Really tough.
Now, I don't beat myself up when I fall off the wagon.
I guess some people see that as a weakness.
It's more like honesty.
But still, some see it as having no control.
Like the other day, I was outside, waiting for a bus.
I'm standing there, minding my own business.
This small scraggly looking guy comes up to me.
He stands beside me.
Reaches into his pocket.
Pulls out a little baggie.
It's filled with these little crystal-like rocks.
He takes some of them from the bag and fills a dirty old pipe.
He hands me the pipe.
"Wanna try some crack?" he asks.
I say "No. I've already got my own vice".
He asks me: "Oh yeah? What?!"
I shrug. I tell him.
I say: "I like to breath. I can't stop."
"I've been a breather my whole life." I continue.
He confirms that he heard me correctly: "you mean you're into breath man?!"
I nod my head hesitantly.
"Yep. I ain't proud of it. But at least I can admit it."
He says: "Whoa man, that stuff will kill ya!"
"So I was talkin' to a friend of mine. He says to me that he's got telekinesis."
"I look at him and say: So? I've got telekinesis and nephews."
"It's a great crowd here tonight."
"Does anyone here like golf?"
Silence again from the ever absent audience.
"Two guys arrive at the golf course to play the first nine holes. One of them a stock broker, the other one a priest."
"So the priest takes his shot. Lining his drive up nicely landing on the fairway."
"The stock broker pauses, admires the priest's shot a little nervously. He steps up to the tee and winds up for his drive. He swings. The ball hooks far to the right."
"He begins cursing and swearing all the while jumping on his golf club like a mad man."
"The priest says: Take it easy there son and watch your words. The good lord is listening."
"The stock broker shakes his head and apologizes. He assures the priest that it won't happen again."
"They hop in the golf cart together and arrive at the stock broker's ball in the rough. He quickly pulls a nine iron club and lines up the shot. He makes a furilous swing and the golf ball veers far to the left, once again landing in the rough. The air if filled with his cursing and swearing as he throws his club at the ground and once again starts jumping on it."
"The priest looks at him in shock and disgust and speaks: Easy there son. Watch your words. I'm a man of the cloth and the good lord is listening! We can't have this behavior in the Lord's presence!"
"The stock broker shakes his head and apologizes. I'm sorry 'bout that."
"They hop in the golf cart and arrive once again at the stock broker's ball in the rough. The stock broker takes a moment to line up his shot, this time with a wedge and swings hard and with purpose. The ball once again veers into the rough and into the water hole."
"The stock broker spews, cursing and swearing jumping on his golf club in anger."
"The priest speaks in shock: I'm a man of the cloth! Hold your tongue and watch your words in the presence of the lord!"
"At that moment, a bolt of lightning shoots down from the clouds in an otherwise clear sky and strikes the priest dead in his tracks."
"From the clouds, a tremendous and ominous voice is heard cursing and swearing over the lousy shot with the lightening bolt."
"You're a wonderful audience."
How To Make Anything Look Comfortable
"I used to work a job selling furniture. Well, not really."
"I used to pretend I had a job selling furniture."
"No really. When I would do this, I came up with a great way of doing my job."
"In fact, nature has provided us with a naturally occuring furniture salesperson."
"The fact is, that if you want to sell furniture, you have to make it look comfortable."
"If it looks comfortable, chances are they'll buy it."
"So in order to make it look comfortable, all you have to do is put a cat on it."
"I mean a cat. Not like a picture. A real life cat. Give them a minute or two and they'll inevitably lie down on it."
"I mean cats sleep eighteen hours out of every twenty four hour day. So if you put a cat on something; anything, your odds are three out of four that it will lie down on it and fall asleep."
"I doesn't matter how jagged the thing is. How hard or flat it is. A cat will make it look comfortable."
"I mean the first thing that you think when you see a cat sleeping on a bed is: wow, that looks really comfortable..."
"Same thing with a couch. A chair. Anything."
"In fact, I told a friend of mine this who works in the concrete business. He used to work in the furniture sales business and that's when I told him."
"So he tried it one day. He got a cat in the store, and put the cat on the furniture that he wanted to sell the most."
"Sure enough at the end of the day with the cat working to help his sales, he'd had a few more sales than he'd had the prior day without the cat."
"So he does this for a few weeks and things are going pretty good. One day, he shows up late to the store and the cat is stuck waiting outside. So the cat falls asleep on a concrete slab just outside the store."
"When the guy finally arrives at the store later that day, he finds a thousand orders for concrete."
"You're a wonderful audience."
To be continued...
All material here is the original work of the Last Lounge Comic with the exception of the Golf joke. That's one I heard on a radio comedy radio show. I'll try and track down the original writer and comedian's name because that is one of the funniest jokes that I've ever heard.
More recently as of Sept 6, 2019 I added the Computer and Windows 10 skit and the Addiction skit. They're both completely original works.
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