The Last Lonely Lounge Comic




Picture a run down lounge with wall to wall pink carpeting. An imitation silk curtain hung above a fake mahogany floored stage and you've got the Last Lonely Lounge. Empty two seat tables line the theatre, where in the back there might be a single couple in the audience, though they're not listening.

After all the Comic is the background to their life, not his. However, this section of the blog is a unique escape. For it is the home of the Last Lonely Comic. This is all about his vocation which is humour or what may appear to be.



He speaks into the microphone:

Telekinesis



"So I was talkin' to a friend of mine. He says to me that he's got telekinesis."

"I look at him and say: So? I've got telekinesis and nephews."

Silent pause.

"It's a great crowd here tonight."

Deafening silence.

...

Golf


"Does anyone here like golf?"

Silence again from the ever absent audience.

"Two guys arrive at the golf course to play the first nine holes. One of them a stock broker, the other one a priest."

Silent pause.

"So the priest takes his shot. Lining his drive up nicely landing on the fairway."

"The stock broker pauses, looking at his shot. He winds up for his drive and swings. The ball hooks far to the right."

"He begins cursing and swearing, jumping on his golf club about the shot he just made."

"The priest says: Take it easy there son and watch your words. The good lord is listening."

"They hop in the golf cart together and arrive at the stock broker's ball in the rough. He quickly pulls a club and lines up the shot. He takes his swing and the golf ball veers far to the left, once again landing in the rough. The stock broker begins cursing and swearing, throwing his club at the ground and jumping on it."

"The priest looks at him in shock and disgust and speaks: Easy there son. Watch your words. I'm a man of the cloth and the good lord is listening!"

The stock broker shakes his head and apologizes.

"They hop in the golf cart and arrive once again at the stock broker's ball in the rough. The stock broker lines up his shot, this time with a wedge and swings hard and with purpose. The ball once again veers into the rough."

"The stock broker spews, cursing and swearing jumping on his golf club in anger."

"The priest speaks in shock: I'm a man of the cloth! Hold your tongue and watch your words in the presence of the lord!"

At that moment, a bolt of lightning jumps from a cloud in an otherwise clear sky and strikes the priest dead in his tracks.

From the clouds, a tremendous and ominous voice is heard cursing and swearing over the lousy shot with the lightening bolt.

Silence.

"You're a wonderful audience."

...

How To Make Anything Look Comfortable


"I used to work a job selling furniture. Well, not really."

"I used to pretend I had a job selling furniture."

"No really. When I would do this, I came up with a great way of doing my job."

"In fact, nature has provided us with a naturally occuring furniture salesperson."

"The fact is, that if you want to sell furniture, you have to make it look comfortable."

"If it looks comfortable, chances are they'll buy it."

"So in order to make it look comfortable, all you have to do is put a cat on it."

"I mean a cat. Not like a picture. A real life cat. Give them a minute or two and they'll inevitably lie down on it."

"I mean cats sleep eighteen hours out of every twenty four hour day. So if you put a cat on something; anything, your odds are three out of four that it will lie down on it and fall asleep."

"I doesn't matter how jagged the thing is. How hard or flat it is. A cat will make it look comfortable."

"I mean the first thing that you think when you see a cat sleeping on a bed is: wow, that looks really comfortable..."

"Same thing with a couch. A chair. Anything."

"In fact, I told a friend of mine this who works in the concrete business. He used to work in the furniture sales business and that's when I told him."

"So he tried it one day. He got a cat in the store, and put the cat on the furniture that he wanted to sell the most."

"Sure enough at the end of the day with the cat, he'd had a few more sales than he'd had the prior day without the cat."

"So he does this for a few weeks and things are going pretty good. Once day, he shows up late to the store, so the cat decides to fall asleep on a concrete slab outside the store."

"When the guy arrives to the store late that day, he finds out that he has a thousand orders for the concrete slab."

Dead silence.

"Your a wonderful audience."


To be continued...

All material here is the original work of the Last Lounge Comic with the exception of the Golf joke. That's one I heard on a radio comedy radio show. I'll try and track down the comedian's name.

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